Lifeforce...or the sound of Space Vampires Sucking

I was a little tired today and wanted to watch some mindless entertainment when I came across Lifeforce (1985), a cheeseball sci fi/horror epic I haven't seen since it's original release in 1985. The two main things I remembered right off were 1) it was boring and 2) a girl walks around naked for half the movie. This plus the nostalgia factor was enough for me to dig in for another heaping pile of...Lifeforce!

But something has changed since the last time I saw this film 22 years ago. I've matured, I have a different way of seeing things. And now, I can see this movie wasn't boring but actually an exciting unintentional comedy of epic proportions. Lifeforce, produced by those B movie experts at Cannon films (the home of Chuck Norris in the 80's) is intended to be a blockbuster film of Spielbergian range. The London Symphony Orchestra performs the score, make up and special effect wizards like John Dykstra were brought in and to direct it all was Texas Chainsaw's very own Tobe Hooper. The plot would involve a threat to all mankind. You could virtually see Cannon films pushing every penny both borrowed and owned into this film to make it a hit.

It's that zeal that makes it so fun to watch. Because the movie itself has a junky plotline, bizarre characters and spaceship designed to look like an artichoke. Add ridiculously bad acting, lame effects and Patrick Stewart before Star Trek TNG and bring to a boil. What you end up with is a movie so bad that it all becomes funny, like the funniest comedy I've seen in quite a while.

The plot is about a space shuttle investigating Haley's comet (remember when that was a big deal?) and finding an artichoke, I mean spaceship inside. The astronauts go inside to find stone bats and three naked people in plastic coffins. The lead astronaut has his world rocked by a hot French alien played by Mathilda May. Next thing you know, all the people on the shuttle are dead and so Britian retrieves the aliens. The girl begins sucking the life out of all the guys and possessing the bodies of her victims. The victims she doesn't possess become life sucking zombies themselves or turn to dust if they can't.

That's more plot than anyone needs to know about this flick, because it's not about plot. It is about the fun of watching a bad movie be poorly made with millions of dollars. The special effects are meant to look impressive but instead look like models filmed in someone's basement. The lifeforce energy is represented by a blue light that looks painted on the frames in post production. In a flying helicopter scene you can see the wall of the set outside of the front window. And those aren't the highlights!

Highlights include seeing Patrick Stewart talk in a girl's alien voice and then almost make out with a guy mimicking a seizure while grips throw trash around the room to imitate a possession. Watching really fake looking puppets pretend to be people drained of their "lifeforce" and then exploding in a fury of brown dust. Seeing the surviving astronaut act out his "mental link" with the girl vampire with overblown screaming and sweating in his nightmares and visions. And watching security guard after guard see the girl Space Vampire attacking a person on a security camera and then running to that room instead of alerting other security guards.

Last week I saw the competent comedy Talledega Nights (2006) and though it was entertaining, I didn't laugh nearly as hard as I did at Lifeforce. I won't even bother to go into detail of all the implications that go with a hot naked girl draining men of their "lifeforce" by opening her mouth. All this plus a cast of fifty extras made up to look like thousands and a sweeping orchestral score that outshines anything on screen.

Lifeforce reminded me of all those Steven Benchley and Stephen King miniseries that used to show up on tv in the late 90's. Big cast of has beens, weak special effects and an empty plot padded to fit a greater scale and length. But now, Lifeforce has taken...um, a life of it's own...and become a fine example of misplaced intentions resulting in pure comedy gold.

World Series Of Pop Culture

VH1 has started up a new round of the World Series of Pop Culture, a show my wife is convinced I should try out for because of my skads of useless knowledge. It's a fun show to watch, it's like Jeopardy for people who watched tv instead of studying during high school (people like me!). The show also does a great job of validating my knowledge of trivial matters like "1983: Rock of Ages, Rock Rock (til you drop), Stagefright" (the answer's Def Leppard Pyromania). I don't think I'll ever win a game show because I missed my chance by not trying out for Rock & Roll Jeopardy but this series has inspired me to spew some of my favorite needless trivia:

*Adrian Vandenberg was in Whitesnake for two years and the only thing he recorded with them was the guitar solo for "Here I Go Again". He was billed on the Slip Of The Tongue (1989) album but didn't actually play on it because of some type of hand injury.

*Actress Rosanna Arquette inspired not one but two classic 80's songs: Toto's "Rosanna" and Peter Gabriel's "In Your Eyes". She must really be something!

*Genesis is the only band I can think of where the established Lead Singer and Lead Guitarist quit, weren't replaced and the band became more successful as a result. Get out of Phil Collin's way, Peter Gabriel and Steve Hackett!!!

*Journey's "Don't Stop Believin" says a city boy came from South Detroit. There is no South Detroit.

*X wing pilot Wedge Antillies appeared in all three of the original Star Wars films and survived two attacks on the Death Star. Good shooting Wedge!

*In the original Star Wars films only three human women were shown: Princess Leia, Aunt Beru and the girl who tells the Ion Cannon to fire in Empire Strikes Back. Now we know the true reason why there was a Star Wars-the Rebel Alliance and Empire were too horny to think straight. And none of them were as cute as that girl who tells the Vipers to launch in the original Battlestar Galactica.

*The communications station senior officer at the start of Star Trek:The Motion Picture (1979) that gets eaten up by V'Ger was originally hired to play Mr Spock's replacement in a second series of StarTrek TV shows starring the original crew (minus Leonard Nimoy 'cause He Was Not Spock at the time).

*Jean-Luc Picard is supposed to be French, not British. That's not really trivia, but you know that Star Trek episode where Picard returns home to visit his French brother at the family winery. Hilarious! Picard (Patrick Stewart) is about as French as Toad in a Hole and Queen Elizabeth. Tea. Earl Gray. Hot.

*Terri Nunn of the band Berlin was in the running for the Princess Leia role in Star Wars.

*James Marsden appeared in two superhero movies last year: X3 and Superman Returns

*Firing drummer Aynsley Dunbar leads to big success. He was fired from Journey after their first platinum album but before Escape (1981), he left Jefferson Starship shortly before it became the more successful Starship and he was fired from Whitesnake just before they hit it big as well. He's a great drummer but like the Tiki doll of rock.

Well, with Whitesnake I have come full circle and can stop for now. That's the power of Whitesnake people.

Live Earth: Crisis? What Crisis?

Sorry, couldn't help referencing Supertramp after watching the other recent mega-concert-the snooze inducing Tribute to Diana. For the most part, the Tribute was dull with English native Joss Stone providing the only modicum of excitement. The only part of the show that really stood out was watching Roger Hodgson of Supertramp fame dragged out of hibernation to play a greatest hits medley. Apparently, Princess Di was a huge Supertramp fan (who knew?) and watching Hodgson stumble over his words with his puffy shirt and long, wavy unkempt hair reminded me of a mad scientist who hadn't seen the Sun in a few decades. The bordom of the show brought on some dread for the upcoming 24 hour version, Al Gore's Live Earth.

Fortunately, Live Earth was leaps and bounds ahead of Tribute to Diana. Live Earth took the original Live Aid / 8 format of placing concerts in arenas on all of the major continents for an all day bash. Also, live Live 8 the show was intended to raise awareness rather than money resulting in an endless scroll of names flashing on the screen throughout the day. In another nod to Live Aid / 8, a huge load of talent was used with both musicians and Hollywood stars to fill all the programming needed. So, what was the difference?

As a concert, Live Earth beat the recent Live 8 at their own game hands down. Maybe inspired by Al Gore, all of the artists tried to bring their "A" game for this show. Even perfomers that played Live 8 faired better this time around, particularly Bon Jovi (with a newly sober Richie Sambora) and Dave Matthews Band. Madonna, Kanye West and Duran Duran are among the other repeat performers. Madonna wrote a song just for the event, the Roger Watersish "Hey You" (Waters performed later that day as well). Like Live 8, there were special combos such as Country star Keith Urban teaming up with R&B singer Alicia Keys for a fiery version of the Stone's "Gimmie Shelter". And though they couldn't boast a reunion on scale with Live 8's Pink Floyd, recently reunited bands like The Police, Smashing Pumpkins, Genesis and Crowded House brought some hype in.

So, other than the quality of performances, how did Live 8 differ from Live Earth? For one, Live Earth had way better television coverage. Live 8 frustrated the viewer by showing only segments of a song instead of a whole song or whole set. To make it worse, Live 8 was treated as one big infomercial. Live Earth showed whole songs and/or whole performances. In the US, the coverage leaned towards rock creating a series of rock anthems being played in a row making one person (me) very happy. A brief synopsis of the performances I saw:

Genesis: "Land of Confusion" and "Invisible Touch" happily bounced along and had the audience involved. Phil Collin's was the least likely to get censored, but he was when he used the F word during "Invisible Touch".

Keith Urban with Alicia Keys: "Gimmie Shelter". Kick. Ass.

Pussycat Dolls: Everything was fake but the lead singing. "Buttons".

AFI: Unexciting goth rock

Joss Stone: A soul live wire just like her Tribute to Di performance. "Tell Me 'Bout It."

Madonna: Pleasant, but what was with her stradling power stance during the songs? My wife accurately pointed out she looks like Shelly Long now. "Hey You" and "Ray of Light".

Duran Duran: After playing Princess Di's show as well, they should just start living at Wembley Stadium. I really wonder if "Girls On Film" really makes people think of global warming though.

Dave Matthew's Band: The most "on" I've ever seen them anywhere. I even enjoyed "Don't Drink The Water". The rest of the set was mostly slow, but they blazed through "Too Much" like a house on fire.

Kelly Clarkson: Continues to push her career as that of an artist by giving strong perfomances of "Never Enough" and an acoustic ballad. Seemed to sleepwalk through her obligatory delivery of "Since U Been Gone". Hate to say it, but Clive was right: Clarkson is too lightweight a talent to be an artist with a capitol "A". She has talent, but she's no Chrissie Hynde.

Red Hot Chili Peppers: fine take of their hit "Dani California"

Rhianna: She played the hit with the Soft Cell sample to good effect. Nice body suit straight out of the Salt & Pepa "Push It" collection.

Lenny Kravitz: Tore through "Are You Gonna Go My Way" with a vengence.

Metallica: Strong performance of "Enter Sandman" with James Hetfield sporting a ZZ Top Beard.

Bon Jovi: His country tinged Arena Rock translated well in Giant's Stadium. Richie Sambora looked alive and alert for the first time since 1990. Rehab helps! "Lost Highway", "It's My Life", "Wanted Dead Or Alive", "Who Say's You Can't Go Home" and "Livin' On A Prayer" were all played.

Roger Waters: Came up with a good pastiche of Pink Floyd, "Money" and "Another Brick In The Wall" with a child's choir.

Foo Fighters: This band seems forgettable until you hear them. Dave Grohl led his band through a rousing rendition of "Best Of You".

Smashing Pumpkins: Together again...sort of. Billy Corgan and Jimmy Chaimberlan team up with another girl bass player and bowl hair cut guitar player. To her credit, the girl was a better player than the original bass player despite her Courtney Love get up. The whole enterprise reeked of 1994. "Revolution" and "Bullet With Butterfly Wings"

Beastie Boys: Decked out in green suits and real instruments, they banged their way through "Sabotage".

The Police: At least they found a mutual beat they could agree upon. Decent, but not spectacular. Lacking in fun until John Mayer and Kanye West came on stage for "Message In A Bottle". Other songs-"Driven To Tears", "Roxanne" and "Can't Stand Losing You".

In a way, Live Earth did fail below Live 8 in terms of achieving an actual object beyond the music. Live Earth existed only to bring awareness to the Greenhouse effect which was successful, but apparently there were seven points we were supposed to get as well. The points are:

1. To demand that my country join an international treaty within the next 2 years that cuts global warming pollution by 90% in developed countries and by more than half worldwide in time for the next generation to inherit a healthy earth;

2. To take personal action to help solve the climate crisis by reducing my own CO2 pollution as much as I can and offsetting the rest to become 'carbon neutral;'

3. To fight for a moratorium on the construction of any new generating facility that burns coal without the capacity to safely trap and store the CO2;

4. To work for a dramatic increase in the energy efficiency of my home, workplace, school, place of worship, and means of transportation;

5. To fight for laws and policies that expand the use of renewable energy sources and reduce dependence on oil and coal;

6. To plant new trees and to join with others in preserving and protecting forests; and,

7. To buy from businesses and support leaders who share my commitment to solving the climate crisis and building a sustainable, just, and prosperous world for the 21st century.

The goals all sound good, maybe I'll try them out. Live Earth did not really shed much new light on the situation of global warming, but in terms of a global rock concert it was fantastic. I was happy to see Tipper Gore keep a low profile as she spent the 80's trying to stop some of these bands. If it's one thing these Gore's no how to do it's think green (Gore junior was probably high on pot the whole time) and Al pushed his message to the people.

Live Earth did not make me feel there was a crisis of any type (the red and white circles did make me feel this was a Target commercial) but was the best world wide concert ever. So, it was both a failure and a success. That's gotta be Inconvenient!