Saturday, June 20, 2009

Good Girls Go To Heaven, Bad Movies Go Everywhere

No it's not the local Hazmat team, it's Ninja Cheerleaders. Find out what happens when ninjas stop being polite and start being real.

Uh oh, it's that time again. Time to watch some crappy C level movie, just because it's a nice way to relax after a week of work. This week's winner is a film (if you can call it that) made just two years ago, I didn't think they made 'em like this anymore. The movie that answers the question: What if Mr Sulu owned a strip bar and trained his girly strippers to be ninjas? Well, you might have a crisis on your hands. Or you might have Ninja Cheerleaders.

Three girls bound together by friendship, genius intelligence, hot bods and pole skills are the ninjas / cheerleaders in question. Led by Trashelle, er, Trishelle Canatella of MTV Real World fame the girls run through every male fantasy in the book a la Charlies Angels. They're perky cheerleaders. They're pole swinging exotic dancers. They're smart enough to be accepted at Brown University after leaving Junior College. Oh yeah and they're ninjas too. And their mentor? Shields at maximum! It's Mr. Sulu.

Not the new Mr. Sulu that makes stoner comedies, the old Mr. Sulu George Takei himself. Takei enjoys his slumming, leaving the sensitive calm Sulu behind to be a flesh peddling martial arts guru who lets out girlish screams when tortured. When he's not screaming, Takei plays Hiroshi who does everything with a devilish glint in his eyes and a forced maniacal laugh at the end of every sentence A Ha Ha Ha Ha. An actor of Takei's caliber needs a foil, an enemy strong enough to fight off this experienced thespians acting skills. So they went to Hell to find one.

Hell being the Season in Hell, they've found Eddie Wilson - Mr. Streets of Fire himself Michael Pare'. Pare' plays a stereotypical Italian mobster with the New Joisey accent and everything. Eddie lives! Watching Pare' and Takei enter a battle of wills is as exciting as watching paint dry, yet like watching paint dry you do it long enough the fumes will make you dizzy. A Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha.

So what do you get with Ninja Cheerleaders? Gawd awful martial arts from people who look like they learned their moves five minutes before filming (except Takei who is kind of convincing and the ninjas when they're in full gear because stunt doubles are used). Sword fighting where everyone is scared of hitting each other (like Rashomon except without any motivation other than working with people who have never held a sword before. Again except maybe George Takei. Hey, I'm serious don't go THERE). Crappy exotic dancing from three girls who look great but move stiffer than the Johns they're entertaining. Cheerleading so lame it's not even worthy of a Bring It On sequel with whatever distant relatives Beyonce has left. ...And yet it sort of works. It works because it's supposed to be crappy and it knows it. They're all taking a piss except Ginny Weirwick, who portrays her ball busting brunette ninja hottie April with conviction like this is a real movie or something.

Ninja Cheerleaders revels in it's low rent sleaze and is the better for it. To wrap up you have Ninja black outfit fu, Cheerleader fu, crossbow fu, locker room fu, sailors in the parking lot fu, repetitive awkward stripper pole moves, nut crushing, enema threats and of course, George Takei A Ha Ha Ha Ha. Dixie says she just left something in the yard for this movie, she gives it:

1 comment:

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