Forget what you've heard, the 80's were a great time for old fashioned rock and roll music. Now forget that I said that. Just kidding, it's Summer time and what would be the celebratory season be without a classic Battle of the Bands? And what Battle of the Bands story would be complete without a tale of young people with no prior musical experience forming a band and winning a check for a whopping $100.00? No, we cannot let Summer pass us by without this staple of all modern media happening. So here we are, Battle of the Network Star Bands. The contestants vying for the all important check prize that will magically pay for a new bike, repairing the dent in your daddy's car door he doesn't know about yet, paying school tuition or making up the difference on the family mortgage are:
Who lays the meanest beat in the 80's? Let's see, The Mystery has Mooch, a streetwise girl who can steal vans and manages to play out of time to her own drum beat. She's cute, but don't you tell her so or you'll get a knuckle sandwich! She's better than whatever girl they had for Cherry Bomb, she's plays her Casio looking electronic drum kit standing up a'la Rikki Rocket. Who played drums for The Barbusters? I have no idea. This could be a cakewalk for Mooch until she goes head to head with AC Slater, Bayside's resident football star who doesn't take any preppie crap. Plus I know a certain wife who likes Slater's Tv host winning ways. Extra Extra!
Winner: Mario Lopez (Zack Attack)
Zack Attack draws first blood!
Did the Barbusters have a keyboard player? Jeez, tough going for the Barbusters so far. The Mystery picked up classically trained Nickie, the sensitive type that's hungry for the Mooch. Two easy eliminations right off the bat. Who does Zack Attack have? Screech! He'd win geek sympathy points until you realize it's Dustin Diamond, one of the least sympathetic child stars of all time in his adult form. Then Cherry Bomb goes and stacks the deck with Holly Robinson. She sings (such as the theme song to 21 Jump Street), she dances, she plays amazing keytar!
Winner: Holly Robinson (Cherry Bomb)
Now the competition gets fierce. First to go by the wayside is the other anonymous girl from Cherry Bomb, sure she looked all shiny with the Mad Max get up everyone else in the group had but memorable? No. The Barbusters finally get in the running thanks to Michael McKean, Spinal Tap's very own David St. Hubbins himself. McKean pumps up the bass for the Barbusters and proves himself worthy of One Wolf status. He gets a little heat thanks to Zack Attack's Lisa Turtle, the credit card baby with the heart of gold has an appeal but doesn't know one end of her instrument from the other. But hey, what does that matter? Because The Mystery's resident bassist who holds her left handed bass like a ladies handbag and just walked in with her Academy Award - stealing the prize like it was her best friend's wedding.
Winner: Julia Roberts (The Mystery)
Now we're getting somewhere. I'm going to specify lead guitarist for this category to keep Joan Jett from being a shoo in. Because really, who can keep up with an original Runaway? Britta Phillips of The Mystery comes close, as the drug addled dog loving spitfire guitarist. She sings lead on "Mr. Big Stuff" and when you're not looking, transforms into international rock star Jem! She's truly outrageous, truly outrageous. Zack Morris tries to scheme his way into the competition but when faced with real talent like that, he's got nothin'. Too bad for Britta she's in the same category as one Mr. Alex P Keaton - Michael J Fox. He scorches up the fretboard in every seamy dive they could find. Fox could win it free and clear until a certain duck walks in with a guest solo supporting Cherry Bomb. Then Howard the Duck chomps on his cigar and says "Hey Michael J. Fox, I made out with your mom!" leaving Lea Thompson with the shame of explaining to Calvin why she may be on Maury soon with a water fowl. Yet you can't keep Michael J Fox down no matter what life throws at him and that's the secret of his success.
Winner: Michael J Fox (The Barbusters)
With Alex winning the guitar prize, can Mallory make it a Family Ties sweep fronting her band The Mystery? Justine Bateman brings new meaning to the phrase "hollow vocals" but darn it if she don't look purty banging that cowbell. Lea Thompson has all the right moves to take Bateman out with a better voice and a real love for animals. Zack and Kelly Kapowski may be "Friends Forever" but their love story can't compare to the all out power of Joan Jett. Finally in a category where she can cut loose for six days and nights now, Jett rocks down the house and takes no prisoners. The others never had a chance.
But wait! Ashton Kutcher just took the award and gave it to his Mom - I mean girlfriend, Demi Moore!! Moore comes out of nowhere with solid credentials (she's played a rock singer twice, once in No Small Affair and again in One Crazy Summer) and sultrily lip syncs to Fiona like nobody's business. And unlike Lea Thompson at least the Duckie she had sex with was human. Sorry Joan, you just got Punk'd.
Winner: Demi Moore
With that surprise win the whole contest is up for grabs...
Best Manager / Mentor:
I don't remember The Barbusters having either a manager or mentor, just a disapproving Mom. Where's Elyse Keaton when you need her? Zack Attack has Mr Belding, let's face it though he was always the fall guy for Zack's shenanigans so he really couldn't do much. So we'll clear the room of sharp objects and breakables as two of George Lucas weakest lackeys go to battle. Cherry Bomb's Howard the Duck returns as Cherry Bomb's reason for being. They even wrote a song about the little space alien. Inspiring a band is important, it just isn't as important as inspiring others outside of the band. Jennie Lee and The Mystery has Qui Gon in their corner, a club owning burnt out songwriter who Jennie breathes new life into so he can write beautiful - er, I mean truly crappy songs like "Talk To Me". You hear that? That's the sound of a thousand terrible things headed this way...
Winner: Liam Neeson (The Mystery)
Jennie Lee and the Mystery pulls ahead. Nick would be so proud of his gal Mallory.
Best Signature Song:
Well, Zack Morris recently busted out "Friends Forever" 2009 style making his the most recent song in memory out of this bunch. Jennie Lee has the Stone's classic "Satisfaction" in her corner but the only satisfaction you might get out of it is when it ends. Cherry Bomb's got a theme for their "Howard The Duck" and I'll have to take some geek heat for owning the 45 of this back in the day. Can I hide behind saying Joe Walsh, Thomas Dolby and George Clinton had some involvement with the movie soundtrack? Nope, good thing the Barbusters are here because they come complete with an ass kickin' Springsteen song "Light of Day". One of my favorite songs from The Boss, "Light of Day" thunders along and even gets played by Springsteen himself sometimes.
Winner: "Light of Day" (The Barbusters)
Tie Breaker Round:
The Mystery and The Barbusters are tied! It's Alex versus Mallory in a fight to the finish. What could break this deadlock?
Well, if it was up to Michael Keaton I'm sure he'd implore his kids to share in a communal hippie sense. Then Elyse would bust out her acoustic guitar and start playing "Blowing In The Wind"...
We could end at a tie, until Michael J Fox pulls out the single greatest cinematic rock moment of the 80's. You know that sound you've been looking for? Well listen to this! (special bonus, this clip seems to be in a European language)
So the ultimate winner of the Battle of the Bands is The Barbusters!
Disclaimer: No actual prize exists for any persons real or fictitious. This post is intended solely for entertainment purposes, no contact with any said persons have ever been made. Any rebroadcast, retransmission or replay without the express written consent of Major League Baseball is prohibited. Must be 18 or older. Different taxation rules may apply in the states of Hawaii, Nebraska or Alaska. Limit of five Howard The Duck / Lea Thompson sex joke references per post. I mean, I know it was just a movie but she had to portray essentially a love scene with a Duck. A Duck!! A talking Duck, but still - A Duck!!! The things George Lucas can make you do for a career. I bet if the Star Wars series continued, we would have found out Yoda and Mon Mothma got freaky and are Han Solo's parents. You know, I don't think I've written anything quite this dorky since the 80's. Don't answer that. Rhetorical statement. No recording devices or flash photography allowed. You must be this tall to ride this ride. Do not leave any items inside your car that you do not wish to be stolen, we will not accept responsibility if your car is broken in to. Look both ways before crossing the street.