Monday, September 05, 2011

Star Warts

The latest news is that George Lucas is doing a remix job on the original Star Wars trilogy...again...including adding a "Noooo!" when Vader tosses the Emperor off the platform during Return Of The Jedi. As outrageous as this is in the face of, I guess good taste, Lucas is determined to redo these movies over and over again so we may as well accept it. That's part of the healing process right? Denial then acceptance? With this in mind, I would like to add my own wish list of original trilogy revisions. Not because the changes I propose would improve the films, but to make them worse. If you can't beat 'em, then join 'em!

1. Replace Sir Alec Guinness with Dos Equis Man
2. Make Han Solo the son of Chewbacca, making it a father and son team. And make Greedo his half brother. Because everyone in Star Wars has to be related to each other.
3. Whenever the Emperor or Obi Wan Kenobi calls Vader by name, replace "Vader" with "Annie". For example, "Only a master of e-vil Annie!"
4. Give C-3P0 a sex scene so people can stop questioning what his sexuality is.
5. Change the cantina band song to 2Pac's "California Love"
6. Add five extra minutes to the launching into hyperspace effect sorta like the 2001 A Space Odyssey scene
7. This isn't a suggestion but just wondering, why does it take so many people to run a moisture farm? Aren't you just driving up to a machine and taking a tub of water out of it? Do you really need Luke and extra hands to drive a car sorry land speeder and lift tubs? Don't those machines make the already dry air dryer?
8. Have the snow creature that captures Luke on Hoth voiced by Gilbert Godfried. (in Godfried voice) "Oh my God you were just hanging off the ceiling-ouch you cut off my arm that's so painful"
9. Completely replace the astroid chase between tie fighters and the millenium falcon with all new digital effects and add an mascot astroid alien somewhere.
10. Have Leia kiss first
11. Amidala's force ghost should appear somewhere, maybe she talks Vader into saving Luke at the end of Jedi.
12. Change R2-D2's speech to english so C-3PO just repeats whatever R2 says like he's translating.
13. Replace Yoda with Qui Gon Gin and shoot all new footage. Let's see Mark Hamill run through the trees of Dagobah with Liam Neeson on his back.
14. Give Vader's mechanized voice auto tune
15. Add scenes of Boba Fett without his helmet talking to the decapitated skull of his dead father in his Hawaiian accent. "This one's for you pop!"
16. Have the millenium falcon blow up with the Death Star 2.0 at the end of Jedi so it makes sense when Han Solo says "I don't think I'll see her again".
17. Bring back the original Jabba The Hutt, that guy that looks like a left over from Conan The Barbarian.
18. After the end credits of Jedi, have one armed / one eyed Samuel Jackson show up to say "Luke, I'm forming a team..."

In the end, we're going to have almost as many different versions of Star Wars as we do Blade Runner. With that in mind, I say "Stay thirsty, my friend".

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