Sunday, July 13, 2008

Tale of the Tape

Choose your weapon of choice!

After some feedback, I thought it would be fun to cover Tom Selleck and his career from the 80's thru to now. My Aunt is a huge fan of Mr. Selleck which is where a lot of my info about his background comes from. Selleck was a huge volleyball enthusiast, made Western movies and has a wife named Jillie Mack. But, they say that greatness can only be measured in comparison to something else. Actually, I made that up, but I'm going with that excuse to compare the two greatest mustaches of the 80's. So, Selleck will compete with John Oates, one half of the duo Hall and Oates. It's Tom Selleck versus John Oates for the title of greatest 'stache!

What the mustache says:
Selleck: "I'm mature, but I'm a rebel too. I have facial hair."
Oates: "When combined with the puffy hair, it's porn star magic baby!"

Winner: Oates
Raw Talent:
Selleck: One of the most well rounded leading men of the 1980s. He had a laid back charm that comes from...well, being a guy that the ladies love. He could do action, he could do comedy and drama in equal measure to his talent.
Oates: He provided great background vocals and rhythm guitar to the most successful duo in Rock history. Oates also released a solo album called Phunk Shui. And that's about it.

Winner: Selleck
Selleck: Selleck spent the decade kicking butt as only a Hawaiian Ferrari driving Tigers hat wearing Private Investigator could on Magnum P.I. (1980-1988) He also ripped Gene Simmons a new one in my favorite Selleck flick Runaway (1984) while dodging acid shooting metal spiders and smart bullets. He saw construction site action in Three Men and a Baby (1987). Selleck also fired his guns in Westerns like Quigley Down Under (1991). His athleticism always made Selleck believable in his action sequences.
Oates: Did you see him shake that stick in the video for "Adult Education"? Dangerous!

Winner: Selleck
Selleck: Tom Selleck showed some comedy chops in the Three Men and a Baby / Little Lady movies (1987 / 1990) as well as the rom com Her Alibi (1989). He also was in the comedy In & Out (1997) as well playing a gay man chasing after Kevin Kline. But his best known comedic performance was on the tv show Friends (1996-1997) as the older guy dancing in the dark with Courtney Cox. His laid back demeanor allows Selleck to fire off slightly deadpan reactions to situations with great humor.
Oates: In "Method of Modern Love" he rides sideways on a trolley, swimming through the clouds. Priceless!

Winner: Oates. The clouds...he's swimming through them!

Selleck: In An Innocent Man (1989) he was wrongly imprisoned and had to fight off convicts and crooked cops. Then, in my favorite dramatic role of Selleck's he was a fading Baseball player who acted like a jerk to everyone in Mr Baseball (1992). It takes guts for a leading man actor to play an unlikeable character, Selleck took that chance.
Oates: In the only single I know of that Oates took a lead vocal on, "Possession Obsession", he's all business singing doo wop in the New York night while driving a Taxi.

Winner: Are you kidding me? Oates of course! He's driving a Taxi. Not everyone can do that.

Girls Dig 'Em:
Selleck: As I said before, the ladies love Tom Selleck. On screen, he's been with every 80's TV hottie girl you can think of on Magnum, plus he was in Her Alibi with supermodel Paulina Porizkova. Runaway had both Cynthia Rhodes and Kirstie Alley. And he married Nancy Travis in Three Men and a Little Lady.

Oates: He was always around that weird dancing blond girl with the Breck hair...oh wait, that's Daryl Hall. As a plaster casting Lois Griffin (Family Guy) once said to Daryl Hall, she's not coming back for Oates.

Winner: Selleck

Now for the tie breaker-
Selleck: He was Magnum P.I., but that role prevented him from starring as Indiana Jones in Raiders of the Lost Ark (1980). Selleck got stuck on the High Road to China (1983) instead. And now he's not being allowed into the Magnum P.I. movie because he's considered "too old" next to the stoner dude that's replacing him-Matthew McCaughnahey (spelled wrong, but it's the stoner dude so who cares?)

Oates: I've heard various stories, the one I like to think is true is that Oates met Daryl Hall in an elevator when they were trying to escape a gang fight.

Winner: Oates!

If it seems like this contest was rigged, that's because it was. No one's ever going to beat John Oates for best mustache of the 80's. That's just the way it is. But there's no shame in losing because Tom Selleck is an excellent actor that can be placed into pretty much any role and excel. And did I mention the ladies love him? John Oates was an important part of the Hall & Oates duo because, well, Hall just couldn't get much interest without Oates. Hall needed his foil. This has been a tale of the tape.


Some Kinda Wonderful said...

Yep, Oates wins, hands (or stache) down. His stache looks like it could seriously hurt you. Sellecks stache looks all soft and cuddly.

Mr. Mike said...

John Oates mustache is as sharp as a razor. It could cut through any substance known to man. He shaved it off after the Cold War ended because it was no longer needed in the fight against Russia.

Some Kinda Wonderful said...

Thereby loosing all his strength, or cool, or whatever...

Arsenette said...

OMG that's the funniest post I've read in a long time LMAO!!!!!!!!

P.S. My Mom LOOOOOOOOOOOVES Tom Selleck.. he's waaaaaaaaaay too hairy for me...

Some Kinda Wonderful said...

My mom did too, Elsie. Was there anyone's Mom who didn't? Every woman of my mother's age had the hots for him. I think he's kinda cute, but not massively cute. Then again, I like hairy men. To an extent. (i.e. Tony Stewart)

Jeannie said...

This is hilarious!!! OMG...thank you, honey!! I'll send this to your auntie right away.

pamwax said...

OK I don't care what any of you say Tom Selleck wins and he can put his shoes under my bed any time. He still looks good to me.

As much as I like Matthew McConaughey he can not replace Selleck as Magnum.

Anonymous said...

NO ONE CAN REPLACE TOM SELLECK!! NO ONE. So don't even think it. John Oates is soooo lame it's pathetic. Furthermore, if you continue in this vain, you'll no longer be my favorite nephew!!!

Mr. Mike said...

Thanks everyone!

My Auntie says I'll no longer be her favorite nephew! All I can say is: Do you love him, honey?

I'm not enthusiastic about the idea of McConaghey as Magnum P.I. I imagine it's going to be a movie about a half naked dancing man on a beach searching for a bong.

Arsenette said...

Whoah whoah.. hold the.. what?? THEY ARE REDOING MAGNUM???????? with.. WHO????? /runsawayintears... There is nothing sacred left in the world..

Anonymous said...

OF COURSE I love him honey. (inside joke folks) He's still a hunk. Oates, on the other hand, isn't.

McConahgey as Magnum? (gag, spit) Who would play Higgins, Rick and TC? Mr T can be TC. No wait, he's too old. How about that guy on American Gladiator, Alexander? Any suggestions?

Mr. Mike said...

They should get Terrance Howard to play TC. That way, while McConahgey is beaming blankly at the camera you can look at Howard and say "Hey, isn't that that guy from Iron Man? I've seen him in some good movies before. Why isn't he Magnum instead of Mr Failure to Launch?" Rick should be played by Vince Vaughan because I think Rick was the wheeler-dealer but could be wrong there. And Higgins should be Judi Dench, because she's proven in the Bond movies she should be the boss.

Some Kinda Wonderful said...

Math-eeuuuw McConnagay is sooooo not Magnum material. I'm sorry, I know there are girls out there who think he's hot, but he's not, not, not... and he's NOT Tom Selleck. He isn't fit to trim Tom Selleck's stache, much less drive that car and wear those shorts.... oh yes... ladies, lets just sit back and ponder those shorts for a moment, shall we...
Anyhoos... nope, nope, nope, can't be done. They should just give up and beg Mr. Selleck to play the part just as he is right now.
But Oates still wins the stache award. I mean, it makes me wince when I look at it. Selleck's makes me want to hug him...